Today...

Hello, I've been gone for awhile. Not for any 'one' particular reason, but a conglomerate of reasons--namely, Joshua, Soph, Wes, Jeremiah and Owen. Oh, and the hubs and homeschooling have had me busy, too. And let's not forget the snow. The snow has gotten us all a bit out of our routine. In a good way, though. Practices and events have been cancelled and we have gotten to hang out more at home--one of the very reasons I love snow days!

Anyway, today is a difficult day because it marks the anniversary of my mother's death two years ago. I have been anticipating it for a couple of weeks now. Each day that comes, I remember what I was doing on that day leading up to today two years ago. These days have been marred with discouraging thoughts. I have been having to keep my mind focused on God's promises and His truth while the enemy throws every discouraging thing he can think of at me. His tactics never change, do they? His main artillary is discouragement.

This day has snuck up on me. It just hit me last night that today was 'the day'...the snow had gotten my days off a bit. Because of that, I just feel kind of 'unfeeling' at the moment. Ever feel that way? When something hasn't completely hit you yet?

My Oswald devotional, though, was very fitting for this morning. And I know that I will be able to draw on it today and in the days to come when I have moments of sadness. It is centered around 1 Kings 19:5 which simply says 'Arise and eat.' In this passage, Elijah has been fleeing for his life. After being in the desert for a full day, he lays down under a tree and pleads to God to take his life. You see, Elijah has come to the end of his rope. The circumstances of his life have overtaken him. He is in an all out depression and he's ready to throw in the towel.

So, you'd think God would come to Elijah at this moment with some glorious vision or a pep talk of all pep talks from the angelical hosts, right? My sports-centered mind is envisioning the locker room scene in 'Hoosiers' or 'Facing the Giants'. I mean this guy needs some serious rallying right about now.

But God doesn't do that at all. He sends an angel who touches him and simply says, 'Arise and eat.'

Oswald goes on to say this:

'The angel in this passage did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the Scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable. He simply told Elijah to do a very ordinary thing, that is, to get up and eat. If we were never depressed, we would not be alive--only material things don't suffer depression. If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation. There are things in life that are designed to depress us; for example, things that are associated with death. Whenever you examine yourself, always take into account your capacity for depression.

When the Spirit of God comes to us, He does not give us glorious visions, but He tells us to do the most ordinary things imaginable. Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God's creation. But whenever God steps in, His inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things--things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there. The inspiration that comes to us in this way is an initiative against depression. But when the Spirit of God leads us instinctively to do something, the moment we do it the depression is gone. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life.'

There are two things that were affirming to me in this devotional. The first is the fact that it is okay to be depressed and sad. Did you hear that? IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD! It is a completely normal emotion! This is refreshing to me because sometimes people, in their humanness, make you feel like you are doing something wrong. That you are not being strong or something. Or that you are not being 'spiritual' enough; you know, rising above the pain. Also, I think it just makes people uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond. It's easier for them if you are not struggling with anything. The fact is, though, sometimes you are going to be depressed--it is just a part of the struggle of living in this world where we have to experience loss, pain and death. Yes, through God's supernatural, unexplained ways we can experience peace, strength and even joy amidst our sadness. But the sadness doesn't just go away--you have to go through it.

Secondly, I could relate to the simplicity of 'get up and eat.' Even when we are sad, discouraged or depressed, if we choose to continue to trudge through our mundane tasks, often we are able to shake off the sadness. God meets us in our day-in, day-out jobs and we are able to experience Him. He gets our focus off of our pain and onto our work.

Today, I will trudge through and I will in faith believe that God is going to meet me where I am and give me His peace and joy. Even if I have moments of sadness, that is okay. I am human.

Remembering

This month has been a month of remembering. My mother passed away on February 17 last year. I had no idea that the year anniversary of this date and the weeks leading up to it would be so painful and difficult. Each day of this month leading up to the 17th brought back memories of what I was doing a year ago that same day.



The month started with Wes' birthday on the first. We had a grand time celebrating his birthday with a few of his friends coming over and having a Clone War's party. We then quickly moved onto Joshua's birthday on the 12th. Of course, this is when it started really getting difficult. From the 12th on, each day I became more painfully aware of what I was doing on that day. Hardest of all, are the things I regret not doing. As I have relived each day, especially the day at the hospital on the day she died, I am bombarded with images that I wish I could erase. Oh, they are memories that I wished weren't there! The biggest word, though, that keeps going through my head is: REGRET.


-regret that I made the decision to go as planned on a trip to celebrate my oldest's son's birthday the Friday before she went in the hospital. I will always wonder if I had chosen to go to Indiana and be with my mom instead of going to Nashville if things would have turned out differently...

-regret that I asked the doctor a question that resulted in him taking her off the ventilator when he did...

-regret that I let the busyness of life keep me from going and spending more time than I did with my mom...why didn't I spend more time?

-regret that I couldn't handle watching her gasp and struggle to breathe and didn't stay in the room the whole time because it was so unbearable to watch. Oh, how I wish I had stayed right beside her now. Now I feel like I abandoned her.



Over this past year, the Lord has flooded me with his grace, joy, love and peace. He has healed my heart from so much of this--or so I thought. But then, as the year anniversary of these days came, all of those painful feelings resurfaced again. It has been like walking through it all over again, except this time, I feel all alone. Everyone around me is going on with their normal lives while I am stuck in this sad place with these sad memories. People want you to just move on and focus on the happy memories and not the sad. I suppose it is uncomfortable for them if you don't. Yes, focus on the good. Sure, that sounds good. I sure do wish I could do that. But it's just not as easy as all that. I can't just stuff all that down and ignore it. Neither can I stand still and allow it to keep me immobile and buried. There is no way around it. No, I must walk through it.

While no person can understand the loneliness, the pain, the sadness, God CAN. And He can use His people to allow beams of sunshine on these cloudy, gray days. He has done this for me. And those things are what have gotten me through these very dark days. A starbucks card from my neighbor on the 17th touched my heart. A knock on the door on the morning of that day--a friend bringing me a hug and my favorite candy meant the world to me. My daughter rallying our boys to make a card for me, with her writing 'You can do it!' along with 'have a good day. The Lord will guide you threw and threw' brought a smile to my face (and the smarties taped on the back of it--well that was an instant mood lifter!). The delivery of a bright flower on a bleak day...a listening ear...watching our kids so Eric and I could have a date...these have been rays of light and have kept the loneliness and sadness from taking over. (Sidenote: if you have a thought to do something for someone, do it! Don't dismiss it as something too small and insignificant. That small thing might be the thing that keeps that person going. I am preaching to myself too!)

The devotions on the 17th and 18th in My Utmost His Highest seemed directly sent from God. The one on the 17th was called 'Taking the Initiative Against Depression' based on 1 Kings 19:5 "Arise and eat"-- here is what it said:

'The angel in this passage did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the Scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable. He simply told Elijah to do a very ordinary thing, that is, to get up and eat. If we were never depressed, we would not be alive--only material things don't suffer depression. If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation. There are things in life that are designed to depress us; for example, things that are associated with death. Whenever you examine yourself, always take into account your capacity for depression.

When the Spirit of God comes to us, He does not give us glorious visions, but He tells us to do the most ordinary things imaginable. Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God's creation. But wherenever God steps in, His inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things--things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there. The inspiration that comes to us in this way is an initiative against depression. But we must take the first step and do it in the inspiration of God . If, however, we do something simply to overcome our depression, we will only deepen it. But when the Spirit of God leads us instinctively to do something, the moment we do it the depression is gone. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life.'

The devotion on the 18th was titled 'Taking the Initiative Against Despair' based on Matthew 26:46 "Rise, let us be going":

In the Garden of Gethsemane, the disciples went to sleep when they should have stayed awake, and once they realized what they had done it produced despair. the sense of having done something irreversible tends to make us despair. We say, "Well, it's all over and ruined now; what's the point in trying anymore." If we think this kind of despair is an exception, we are mistaken. It is a very ordinary human experience. Whenever we realize we have not taken advantage of a magnificient opportunity, we are apt to sink into despair. But Jesus comes and lovingly says to us, in essence, "Sleep on now. That opportunity is lost forever and you can't change that. But get up, and let's go on to the next thing." In other words, let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go on into the invincible future with Him.

There will be experiences like this in each of our lives. We will have times of despair caused by real events in our lives, and we will be unable to lift ourselves out of them. The disciples, in this instance, had done a downright unthinkable thing--they had gone to sleep instead of watching with Jesus. But our Lord came to them taking the spiritual initiative against their despair and said, in effect, "Get up and do the next thing." If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? It is to trust Him absolutely and to pray on the basis of His redemption. Never let the sense of past failure defeat your next step.'

So, here I stand. I stand amidst sadness and despair. But I am trudging forward in faith. I am arising and doing those ordinary things of life--this is keeping me from sitting immobile in the muck and mire. And I am not dwelling on those things in the past that I cannot change. I am letting God's grace and mercy wash over me each morning and looking towards the future. With God's strength, I will overcome.

'Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.' Isaiah 43:18, 19

Quotes/thoughts I am trying to get my head around this week

• No one is able to take this stand for Jesus Christ who is not totally compelled by the majesty of His power. It is the only thing that matters, and yet it is strange that it's the last thing we as Christian workers realize. Paul said that he was gripped by the love of God and that is why he acted as he did. People could perceive him as mad or sane--he did not care. There was only one thing he lived for--to persuade people of the coming judgment of God and to tell them of "the love of Christ." This total surrender to "the love of Christ" is the only thing that will bear fruit in your life. And it will always leave the mark of God's holiness and His power, never drawing attention to your personal holiness.
• Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket--to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted--not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister? Some saints cannot do menial work while maintaining a saintly attitude, because they feel such service is beneath their dignity.
• We are in such a hurry, always doing, that we are in danger of not allowing God the opportunity to work. You may be sure that God will never say to us, "Stand still," "Sit still," or "Be Still," unless He is ging to do something. This is our problem regarding the Christian life: we want to do something to be Christians, instead of allowing Him to work in us. Think of how still you stand when your picture is being taken, as the photographer captures your likeness on film. God has one eternal purpose for us: that we should be "conformed to the likeness of his Son" (Rom. 8:29). But in order for that to happen, we must stand still. We hear so much today about being active, but maybe we need to learn what it means to be quiet.
• To obtain true intimacy in relationship, it requires 100% truth; it requires sometimes speaking hard things but speaking those things in love. It is risky to be intimate. You have to get past the surfacy 'how was your day?' conversation and get down to what is really going on in the other person.

Favorite Quote of the Week

'...The greatest difficulty spiritually is to concentrate on God, and His blessings are what make it so difficult. Troubles almost always make us look to God, but His blessings tend to divert our attention elsewhere...'
'Look to Me and be saved...' Isaiah 45:22

Favorite Quote of the Week

This was my favorite quote I came across this week. Of course, it's by Oswald Chambers (as usual!):

'Once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely and we never lack for understanding or compassion. We can continually pour out our hearts to Him without beting perceived as overly emotional or pitiful. The Christain who is truly intimate with Jesus will never draw attention to himself but will only show the evidence of a life where Jesus is completely in control. This is the outcome of allowing Jesus to satisfy every area of life to its depth. The picture resulting from such a life is that of the strong, calm balance that our Lord gives to those who are intimate with Him.'
Oswald Chambers

The Greater Work

"...I say to you, he who believes in Me,...greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father" John 14:12

• Prayer does not equip us for greater works--prayer is the greater work. Yet we think of prayer as some commonsense exercise of our higher powers that simply prepares us for God's work. In the teachings of Jesus Christ, prayer is the working o fthe miracle of redemption in others, through the power of God.
• Prayer is the battle, and it makes no difference where you are. However God may engineer your circumstances, your duty is to pray. Never allow yourself this thought, "I am of no use where I am," because you certainly cannot be used where you have not yet been placed.
• There is nothing thrilling about a laboring person's work, but it is the laboring person who makes the ideas of the genuis possible. And it the laboring saint who makes the ideas of his Master possible. When you labor at prayer, from God's perspective there are always results.

Taken from Oswald Chamber's, My Utmost for His Highest, October 17th

This is just so like God!

Oswald Chamber's 'My Utmost for His Highest' is my favorite devotional ever. It has a reading for every day of the year. This past Sunday, October 12 (the day of the marathon), the title of the reading was 'Getting Into God's Stride'. How cool is that?!! I love how God gives you just what you need when you need it! I am sharing the whole thing with you because it is just soooo good!

GETTING INTO GOD'S STRIDE

"Enoch walked with God..." (Genesis 5:24)

The true test of a person's spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when there is nothing tremendous or exciting happening. a person's worth is revealed in his attitude toware the ordinary things of life when he is not under the spotlight (see John 1:35-37 and 3:30). It is painful work to get in step with God and to keep pace with Him--it means getting your second wind spiritually. In learning to walk with God, there is always the difficulty of getting into His stride, but once we have done so, the only characteristic that exhibits itself is the very life of God Himself. The individual person is merged into a personal oneness with God, and God's stride and His power alone are exhibited.

It is difficult to get into stride with God, because as soon as we start walking with Him we find that His pace has surpassed us before we have even taken three steps. He has different ways of doing things, and we have to be trained and disciplined in His ways. It was said of Jesus--"He will not fail nor be discouraged..." (Isaiah 42:4) because He never worked from His own individual standpoint, but always worked from the standpoint of His Father. And we must learn to do the same. Spiritual truth is learned through the atmosphere that surrounds us, not through intellectual reasoning. It is God's Spirit that changes the atmosphere of our way of looking at things, and then things begin to be possible which before were impossible. Getting into God''s stride means nothing less than oneness with Him. It takes a long time to get there, but keep at it. Don't give up because the pain is intense now--get on with it, and before long you will find that you have a new vision and a new purpose.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

I love the beginning of this, where he talks about that what we do in the ordinary moments is what counts...not the extraordinary moments....I don't think it was a coincidence that I read this the day after the marathon--not the day of. It reminds me that every day I have to get into stride with God. All of those ordinary moments in life are what really matters. Life is a marathon...each little step counts...and I could go on and on but I have to go now and get into the 'ordinary' moments of my life with my five children! :)