The Faith Walk

It was January, 1997 – a cold, blustery day with sunshine in full throttle…I sat in my car, unaware that I was about to make a decision that the very breath of existence hinged upon. All around me, there was a battle raging in the heavenlies over my weary-worned soul, the forces of evil fighting intensely with the forces of Sonship...one side fighting for death, one side fighting for life.

Straight down through that sun-filled sky, the Lord of the Universe beckoned me to Himself. The election, the Call—so strong that I couldn’t resist. Heavy-ladened and sin-stained, I fell into the arms of the Son. The Son held me with nail-scarred hands, the Father nodded His approval. While eruption of applause of deafening proportions filled the heavenlies, my soul experienced an eruption of another sort. Supernatural peace flooded in, squelching the chaos and noise that had filled it just moments before.

I experienced my very first brush with faith that day, initiated in me by a Father through the grace of His Son. The Divine Paintbrush reached down and lavished His first bit of color on His masterpiece. A hue of brilliant color began the painting, as I put my confidence and assurance in that which I could not see. The nail scarred hands embraced mine, and we began to walk together, my Companion and I.
Over the coming years, the colors my painting lacked would be added little by little, one faith step at a time. You see, God deepens and strengthens our faith along the journey of our life’s experiences. My faith walk had begun steady footed, but it was in need of some testing. We are told in 1 Peter 1:7 that we face trials so that our faith can be proven genuine in order that Jesus Christ may be glorified and honored. Yes, my faith would need to be proven genuine, and only walking some mileage with Him could accomplish that.

The next thirteen years proved to offer a variety of mileage for my walk of faith. There were seasons of down-hill coasts with the wind pushing me along, and there were uphill climbs with gusts so strong I thought I might not make it. There was treacherous terrain and there was safe, stable ground. My Guide, my Companion, my Jesus holding my hand through it all.

My first mountain pass came with the death of my mother in 2008. All that we experienced in that hospital on the day of her passing can be summed up in a few desperate phrases:

mistaken doctors, mishaps, chaos, confusion…gasping, gasping, gasping for breath…praying, begging for God’s intervention...more confusion…more gasping…code blue sirens…doctor’s rushing…life passing on…stillness.

I sat in that cold, dark, waiting room—in the deafening stillness--with a myriad of questions imprinted on my soul:

‘God, where were you? Where were you? Why did you abandon us? How could you have been in the midst of –of that?’

My faith walk was in a moment of crisis. There was a fork in the road and I had a decision to make. Which way would I go? Both directions included a steep hill climb over treacherous mountains. The only difference between the two paths was that one offered my Companion with nail scarred hands and the other I would walk alone.

I didn’t make my decision immediately. I fumed. I paced. I yelled. I cried. I sulked. I finally spoke it outloud:

‘But you abandoned me when I needed you most. Can I trust you? Really? Can I?’

There. I had said it. How relieving it is to throw off the mask and speak the truth, even ugly truth.
I waited. I braced myself for the blasting dissertation that Job experienced when he, too, questioned God.

It never came. Instead, God beckoned me to Himself with His all-encompassing height-and- depth love.

‘Dear Child, take my hand and bring me your hard questions, even the ugly ones. This is going to require a step by step walk of focusing on Me and not on the rough terrain of circumstances. Remember, true faith is not faith at all if you are not willing to tarry when things look bleak.’

He stretched out His hand. Timidly, I took the nail-scarred one in mine and let Him lead me along the path. Step by step through the grief and unanswered questions of the weeks to come, I learned that faith is stretched, refined and deepened through the deepest valleys. I wrestled through many faith-filled questions such as: Was I really living with an eternal perspective? Or was the here and now, my focus? If the Lord chose to take home another loved one, would I be okay with that? It’s easy to praise Him when things are going well, but what about when they aren’t? Am I going to praise Him even in the hard? Would I be able to say as Job had, ‘the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord?’

Zechariah 8:10 kept me afloat during those days. I don’t know how many times a day I quoted ‘the joy of the Lord is my strength’—more than I could count. Hebrews 4:12 tells us that ‘His Word is living and active…’ I can attest to that, for God took those Words right off the page in Zech. 8:10 and breathed them straight into me. Step by step I experienced His joy and His strength within the grief. Step by step, my faith in Him became stronger and deeper. Step by step I learned not to be marred by life’s circumstances. Step by faithful step, the Master Painter added new colors to His masterpiece.
I am thankful He took me through a crisis of faith when He did. He knew that it would be the training grounds needed to face the years 2010 and 2011.

2010 was the year that we lost two grandparents, an aunt and an uncle. 2010 was the year that Eric’s pay decreased by less than half while he had to work harder and travel more than he ever had in all of his career. 2010 was the year that Eric would be laid out flat with back pain for two weeks. 2010 was the year that he would lose his job just days after his back went out and just days before Thanksgiving.
Strange that his termination occurred amidst the Thanksgiving season. Because that is exactly how God taught us to tarry through these difficulties—with thanksgiving.

As we walked forth in obedience, choosing to thank Him in our adverse circumstances, He began to transform our hearts. Stone by stone, the hard wall in my heart came down. Down came stones of bitterness, down came stones of self-pity, down came stones of entitlement. A river of liberation flowed in its place, one of life-giving peace and joy. Phil. 4:6-7 tells us ‘Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.’

Sure, I had read these verses a thousand times, even memorized them! Yet, only when I began putting the ‘thanksgiving part‘ of these verses into practice did I begin to experience this truth. You see, voicing our thanksgiving to our Savior must precede experiencing His all-surpassing peace. It must.

As we have been thanking Him for the hard things, we are learning another important lesson: Our hope is not in a job, nor is it in money or any kind of security this world has to offer. No. Our hope is in Him and Him alone. Thus, whether He provides a job or not, He wants us to continually praise Him, praise Him, praise Him. While waiting on the Lord for His timing can be excruciatingly difficult, we are learning life’s biggest lessons are most often learned in His waiting room. Faith-building lessons of the holiest sort. We are learning by experience what it means to trust Him for our ’daily manna’, for daily manna just happens to be His strong suit.  We have been keeping a thankful journal and we are up to 128 ways the Lord has provided for us so far on this journey. We’re truly speechless by all the ways God has come through for us as Jehovah Jireh (the Lord will provide). We have seen answers to specific prayers when He provided a washer for us when ours went out. He has provided specific amounts of money right when we were in need. He provided a way to pay for a new transmission when ours quit. He has provided vehicles to drive when we have needed them. When our sewage backed up into our house, MSD fixed it for free. Over and over, when we have had a need, God has shown up to meet it. Through His faithful provision, our faith has been strengthened.  Provision upon provision…brush stroke upon brush stroke…paint is being added to my canvas of faith, my husband’s canvas of faith, and our childrens’ canvases of faith.

Mile after mile, step after step, my faith walk isn’t over yet; it’s in process, as is yours. Your journey will probably look much different than mine. He uniquely plans each of our walks of faith for two sole purposes: 1.) that we will become more and more dependent upon Him and 2.) that Jesus will be glorified in the highest.

Paint stroke upon paint stroke, the Artist of Artists will add paint to each of our canvases of faith until the day He leads us home…until then, may we grab hold of that nail-scarred hand, keeping our eyes off of our light and momentary circumstances and keeping our gaze upon the Author and perfector of our Faith.

I Love....

• I love the smell of Fall, the cool breeze on my face when i am outside, the smell of leaves burning
• I love pumpkin muffins, especially chocolate chip ones
• I love that my five year old plays football outside with his brothers, sporting bright yellow rain boots with gym shorts that are too big for him. i also love that he can get tackled 125 times and not care.
• I love the fact that i have 55 brand new coats collected from our sweet Fellowship sitting in my Dining Room to be delivered to Wayside Christian Mission.
• I love that my kids love running! I love the encouragement of yelling and cheering each other on from the sidelines during the races.
• I love my Romans bible study -- absolutely has been life changing. Maybe I love it so much because I love Romans; maybe I love Romans so much because I love God's Word; maybe I love His Word so much because I love my Jesus and my life is radically different with Him in my life...
• I love when my two year old comes downstairs in the morning half asleep and all squinty-eyed
• I love that my two year old follows my five year old around all day long and does everything that he does
• I love that my 11 year old sat in the front seat of the van last night on the way home from our Community Group, trying to get pictures for his Photography class. I love that he was jerking the camera at the last minute, trying to blur the lights in the picture, saying it was a special technique.
• I love my running time with my friend, Amy Jo. I cherish this time on Wednesdays.
• I love our Fun Fridays of classes -- especially love that my 11, 9 and 7 year old are doing Public Speaking together. Practicing their speeches for one another has been hilariuosly fun and memorable
• I love the Sunday night prayer time with our church
• I love Mac Powell's voice --loved experiencing it up close and personal Saturday night with friends. I hope that in heaven we can experience a continous Third Day concert from front row seats.
• I love that my daughter looks exactly like Laura Ingalls when she wears her prairie dress. I love the fact that she wants to dress up and play like she is from this period in history...
• I love studying American History. I can't wait to travel with Eric to NY City and Boston in three weeks and study our heritage upclose and personal.
• I love listening to Janet Parschall
• I love the books I have just read The Hole in the Gospel, and Same Kind of Different as Me
• I am loving the book 'Crazy Love' -- got a feeling it, too, is going to be one of those life changing books...
• I love our church that God is growing and building up and adding to...love the sweet fellowship...love the expository preaching...love the worship...Love that it's big on Truth and Grace
• I love that my 7 yo lives and breathes baseball.
• I love how much my 2 yo loves his daddy
• I love mornings, the dawn of a new day

Faith and Prayer

Taken from the works of E.M. Bounds:

• Faith is an operation of God, a divine illumination, a holy energy implanted by the Word of God and the Spirit in the human soul--a spiritual, divine principle which takes of the supernatural and makes it a thing apprehendable by the faculties of time and sense.
• Faith gives birth to prayer, and grows stronger, strikes deeper, rises higher, in the struggles and wrestlings of mighty petitioning.
• What an era of glorious achievements would dawn for the church and the world, if only there could be reproduced a race of saints of like mighty faith, of like wonderful praying! It is not the intellectually great that the church needs; nor is it men of wealth that the times demand. It is not people of great social influence that this day requires. Above everybody and everything else, it is men of faith, men of mighty prayer, men and women after the fashion of the saints and heroes enumerated in Hebrews, who "obtained a good report through faith," that the church and the whole wide world of humanity needs.
• Many men, of this day, obtain a good report because of their money-giving, their great mental gifts and talents, but few there be who obtain a "good report" because of their great faith in God, or because of the wonderful things which are being wrought through their great praying. Today, as much as at any time, we need men of great faith and men who are great in prayer. These are the two cardinal virtues which make men great in the eyes of God, the two things which create conditions of real spiritual success in the life and work of the church.
• We need, also, to guard against unbelief as we would against an enemy. Faith needs to be cultivated. We need to keep on praying, "Lord, increase our faith," for faith is susceptible of increase. Paul's tribute to the Thessalonians was, that their faith grew exceedingly. Faith is increased by exercise, by being put into use. It is nourished by sore trials.
• Faith grows by reading and meditating upon the Word of God. Most, and best of all, faith thrives in an atmosphere of prayer.
• The pastor who succeeds in changing his people from a prayerless to a prayerful people, has done a greater work than did Augustus in changing a city from wood to marble. And after all, this is the prime work of the preacher. Primarily, he is dealing with prayerless people--with people of whom is said, "God is not in all their thoughts." Such people he meets everywhere, and all the time. His main business is to turn them from being forgetful of God, from being devoid of faith, from being prayerless, so that they become people who habitually pray, who believe in God, remember him, and do his will. The preacher is not sent to merely induce men to join the church, nor merely to get them to do better. It is to get them to pray, to trust God, and to keep God ever before their eyes, that they may not sin against him.

Taking Flight

About three weeks ago, our oldest son, Joshua, had a monumental experience. I have been wanting to write about it for awhile and just haven't had the time...so here it goes.

Back in May, our friends in St. Louis called and invited Joshua to go to Florida with them for a week. To give you some background: our friends moved from Louisville about four years ago. We were in a small group with them and their son, Andy, and our son Joshua were big buddies. We see them about once or twice a year and Joshua and Andy always look forward to reconnecting. Andy is an only child and they thought that it would be fun for him to have a buddy on their vacation this year. But there was a BIG catch: Joshua would have to fly by himself to get there. My first thought was, well that is way too expensive. Even if we were willing to let him go, we really don't have money set aside for him to fly somewhere. But that thought was soon squashed. Our friends' happened to have frequent flyer miles that they insisted that he use. OK. So cost is no longer an issue...

Joshua is our cautious firstborn who likes to be in control. He has struggled with fears on so many different levels since he was itty bitty. He is not a risk taker. He had expressed to us before that he was scared to fly. I honestly doubted that he would want to go, even with the enticement of spending a week with his buddy, Andy.

So we began with asking Joshua if he would even be willing to fly by himself. His initial response was, 'no way.' However, after he'd had a few hours to mull it over, he began to warm up to the idea. By the end of the day, he was actually getting excited about the prospect of it and began hoping that we would decide that he could go. OK. So cost is no longer an issue. And fear is no longer an issue....

I was stunned that we had gotten this far. Now the ball was in our court. So, I began thinking upon this. It sounded something like this in my head: "Joshua is ten years old. TEN. Fly???!!! By himself??? WHAT IN THE WORLD??? ARE WE CRAZY TO EVEN CONSIDER THIS???"

Strangely enough, from the intial conversations Eric and I had about him going, our gut instinct was saying, 'yes, let him go.' We spent a week praying about it; we wanted to know if those 'gut instinct' feelings were from the Lord. After that week of praying, we still had an absolute peace about sending him and felt the Lord was saying 'yes'. So, we finally concurred.

Over the next couple of months, there were times when I talked to others about this decision that I could sense them thinking: "You are crazy, you are so crazy...over my dead body would I let my child do that..." There were times I would begin waffling and catch myself wondering "Are you crazy??? What are you thinking??!!! Are you sure the Lord said to do this?" I had to keep reminding myself that Eric and I had prayed about this and had both felt clearly that the Lord had said yes. I had to remind myself over and over and over and over.

The Thursday morning before Joshua was supposed to leave, we sat down as a family while Eric read the first chapter of Joshua outloud. While up to this point we had had a peace about Joshua going, at this moment I began to tangibly feel the Lord in this decision. For many reasons, it was very fitting to be reading the first chapter of Joshua outloud to prepare Joshua for this departure. For one, Joshua was named after this Joshua in the Bible. The verse Joshua 1:9 hangs on a canvas in his bedroom and he considers it his 'life verse'. This verse says: 'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.' Secondly, the Lord repeats over and over again to Joshua in this chapter: 'Be strong and courageous!' What better words could our Joshua hear right before this trip?

As the Lord often does, He had even more to teach us that morning. Verses 7-9 specifically say: 'Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.' As we read these verses we were able to talk to Joshua about the importance of the following:

• reading his devotional and Bible even when his mom and dad are not there to tell him to.
• obeying the commandments in scripture even when we are not there to direct him, such as shielding his eyes from things that might come on tv, talking respectful in our absence, etc.
• that he need not be nervous about flying because God is always with him wherever he is.

Verse 11 says 'Go through the camp and tell the people, 'get your supplies ready. Three days from now you will cross the Jordan here to go in and take possession o f the land the Lord your God is giving you for your own.' I do not believe it was a coincidence that we were reading this three days prior to Joshua's flight! Eric, Sophie and myself had each written down bible verses on index cards for him to pull out while he was taking off and anytime he became nervous or scared during the flight. We talked to him about the importance of getting your 'spiritual' supplies ready before you venture out on your own. We each gave him the bible verses we had for him, explaining that these were his supplies. He could read these outloud and internalize God's truths as he was flying.

So, Sunday arrived. We were at Kentucky Lake for the weekend with our extended family. The plan was that I would take him to the Nashville airport and then stay all night with some friends that night and head back to Louisville the following day. So it was just me and Joshua. A mother sending off his son. Joshua was visibly nervous the whole morning. I kept reminding him of God's truths. Once we began the process of checking bags, going through security, etc, all of Joshua's fears seemed to vanish and it was replaced by anticipation and excitement. Everything went without a hitch. Everyone was so friendly and overly helpful (gotta love those Nashvillians!).

Finally, it was time to board the plane. We hugged and said our goodbyes. As he walked away I felt a tug on my heart. As I watched the plane back up and begin taxiing away, I felt a bigger tug. Amazingly, I was able to watch the plane taxi to the runway, takeoff, and ascend into the sky until it was just a tiny speck. As the plane got smaller and smaller, the void in my heart got larger and larger. Questions bombarded my mind: 'what if he is scared? what if someone who doesn't like kids is sitting next to him? what if they crash? what if...what if...what if....???' Joshua 1:9 came back to me as clearly as if the Lord was speaking it aloud: 'Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For I am with your Joshua--my Joshua--wherever he goes.' He also reminded me that He loved Joshua much more than I could ever love him.

As I walked out of the airport, I could see in the distance the Nashville skyline. The sun was setting behind it and it was illuminated by the clouds that surrounded it. It was absolutely beautiful. It reminded me of the love I have for this city. The city that I came to know God as my Savior. And now the city where I was sending my son off for the very first time, with the promise that His Savior was protectinwith Him. I was trusting the Lord with Joshua, even though it felt as if my heart had been ripped out. I thought about all of the mother's of missionaries...all of the mother's of soldiers sent out to war...I realized I had just had a small taste of their experience. I thought about how this was just the beginning of many times that I would be sending my children off. With every year that passes they are getting older and 'taking flight'. Somehow, I knew that it was going to be hard to send them out but that the Lord would give me the strength to do it, just as He had tonight.

Well, the week sped by, Joshua had a blast and flew home without a hitch. I thought about all of the lessons Joshua and our family had learned through this adventure. Lessons about faith and facing our fears through leaning on our Lord. I thought about how this was a definite spiritual marker in all of our lives, specifically in Joshua's. I thought about all of the lessons we would have missed if we had said 'no'. I am thankful that we listened to the Lord and said 'yes'.

A Sad Sunshiny Day

Yesterday started out perfectly. It was day #4 of our vacation in Destin. My mother in law had come with us and my father in law was to fly down mid week (Wednesday). We were so very excited to have them with us and just have some hang out time with them--something that just doesn't get to happen as much as we'd like it to with our busy lives. Eric was especially excited about spending time with his dad. So far, we had had the most relaxing and enjoyable time. We had settled into our routine--beach, pool, lunch and more beach. Thus far, the weather had been beautiful. This morning proved no exception. The water was crystal clear--there was hardly a cloud in the sky. A perfect beach day. Eric and I started the morning off running together, something we rarely get to do, but were able to because my mother in law was at the house with our kids. We completed our run, had breakfast, played some Uno on the front porch, got ready for the beach, life was good.

We got to the beach, set up our stuff and did our 'thing'. Rode the waves, looked for shells, played in the sand, played some wiffle ball, watched our 18 month old throw some fits...just a typical day. But, life can change in a blink of an eye. My mother in law's phone rang. She looked panic stricken and motioned for Eric. I was a ways down the beach with Sophie and Jeremiah collecting seashells. Eric yelled for me and I could tell by the urgency of his voice and arm motions that something terrible had happened. It seemed to take forever to get to him, all the while my mind was plagued with terrible thoughts of what it could be. When I finally reached Eric he gave me the news that his uncle had died--his dad's brother. His dad was the youngest of five boys. This was his only brother that had still been living--his other three brothers were already deceased. We stood there trying to absorb the shock and did what only seemed to be fitting in that very moment--we held hands and prayed. We prayed for the wife who is now without her husband, the son who is now without his dad, the brother who is now without his siblings. In a moment, our entire day and entire vacation had changed.

Numbly, we packed up our stuff and went back to our beach house. We spent the next few hours on the phone with the airlines, trying to find the most cost effective way to get my mother in law home. We finally found a flight for the following day. Once all of the phone calls had been made, the rest of the day was surreal. We tried to go back to our normal activities. You know-- beach, pool and beach. But somehow it just felt weird. We were on a vacation and so we were supposed to vacate. But yesterday I couldn't vacate all of the questions that bombarded my mind: Why, Lord? Why did this man have to die and leave behind a wife, a son, a daughter in law, a brother, amongst many others? Why did this have to happen, now? Why couldn't my father-in-law have come to Florida and relax for a few days with us rather than have to now go through this? Why, why, why??? My thoughts drifted further...why did my mother have to die the way she did? Why did Stephen Curtis Chapman's daughter have to be taken in such a quick, tragic manner? Why, Why, Why??? Sadness, frustration and anger wrestled within me as we went about our regularly scheduled vacation plans....

This morning, as I did my bible study, I felt the Lord's love pour over me like a well needed shower. As He has been teaching me over these last six months, I am not always going to get my 'why' answers answered. God's ways are not our ways and we will never know the answer to sad things that happen. We will never know or understand God's timing. But one thing I have learned through and through: God walks through the sadness with us. Faith is trusting that God will walk with us up the mountain side--it doesn't mean it won't be rough terrain at times. It doesn't mean that you can't talk to him about how much you don't like it, but it does mean that you are willing to walk step by step 'with' Him. I was reminded this morning that I can choose to throw in the towel and say forget it and turn around and find my own way up the mountain. Or I can choose to walk with Him. I am beginning to learn through experience that He gives us a supernaturally joy through the heartache and disappointments if we choose to stick by Him. This morning, I was actually able to thank the Lord for the present circumstances and to say 'I trust that Your way is the best way, no matter what.' I am thankful. I am trusting God in difficult circumstances. I am resting in God's perfect plan.

"...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:3-5

God's Silence in the Midst of Suffering

I have been thinking a lot lately about faith--mine, in particular. There is so much suffering in our world and it seems so dark at times that sometimes I wonder where God is in the midst of it all. And where is God in the midst of some of the difficulties I personally have been enduring lately? I know that my faith is being tested and I am reminded of this scripture: 'Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.' This scripture reminds me that my suffering is a gift and that God wants me to find pure joy in it. It reminds me that I am coming to know Jesus more. And in a miraculous Holy Spirit kind of way, I am thankful.

I came across this article today and it is just another eye opener to me of how much I still don't even get what it means to suffer. I have such a cush life and my cush life makes me so unaware of all the suffering that is going on around the world in the name of Jesus. It reminds me that faith is not always a 'feel good' kind of experience. Maybe that feel good kind of experience is for the weak of faith? Maybe strong faith is when we seek him wholeheartedly even when he is silent or seems distant.