Love Covers a Multitude of Sins

As we navigate through these parenting years, I am often burdened/overwhelmed/grieved by the sin I see well up in our children, especially our older ones.  Such feelings inevitably then lead to grievance regarding similar sins I find  in myself and Eric, as the apple doesn't fall far from the cart.

One morning last week as I was running, I was particularly burdened for my children in regards to less than desirable actions and attitudes I had been seeing.  I was also feeling a bit panicked about the teenage years that loomed in front of us and the difficulty of navigating through all the issues that come with our culture these days.  I felt tired, overtaken and weak--exactly the way a fish must feel swimming upstream.  I spent most of the run asking for forgiveness for falling short in so many areas, asking for grace to cover our weaknesses, asking for wisdom to be Godly parents, and asking for divine intervention in the lives of our children.

That day I felt pretty desperate.  Do you ever feel that way, so zeroed in on the yuck that you are seeing that you are having a hard time seeing any good?  Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed at a situation and so at a loss of words, that my prayers tend to be a few phrases repeated over and over.  On this day I just kept repeating:

'Lord, we need you, please help...Your grace is sufficient for our weakness, please be strong where we are weak...Love covers a multitude of sins...please let your love flow in and cover the multitude of sins you see in us and our children.'

As I finished that run and those prayers, the Lord did not provide immediate answers, or some big revelation, but He did impress one thing upon me:


Keep praying, keep praying, keep praying...the most you can do for your children during these years is intercede for them.

I have yet to witness a time that the Lord doesn't show up after a desperate prayer.  Now, He may not answer the prayer in a way that  we see fit, but He always shows up.  Always.


This time was no exception.  As I went through the rest of my day and the rest of my week, I felt His presence.  I felt His grace, covering me and helping me in my weaknesses.  And I saw Him move and answer the prayers of a desperate mother in small, tangible ways.

For one, I saw my daughter, who struggles with doing her schoolwork thoroughly and completely, win a small victory in this area.  As I saw her achieve and overcome, I saw God sanctifying.  I was reminded that sanctification comes little step by little step, and my job when I see such victories is to applaud and encourage.

The sweetest gift of all, though, was how the Lord chose to show up among my youngest and oldest.  You see, these two mix like oil and water.  My oldest, Joshua, a natural born leader who thrives in a well-ordered world has little patience for our last born who is the king of chaos.  His impatience and irritability with our four year old, Owen, was one of those areas I had been desperately praying over.

...Yet God moves and melts hard places in the most creative, unexpected ways...


Owen spent one afternoon last week making valentines with his grandmother.  When we went to pick him up, he proudly sauntered out with his masterpieces.  He walked about our van handing out his labor of loves and each of us exclaimed how wonderful it was.  All, that is, but my oldest.  My heart sank as he tucked his in his book and I wondered frustratingly, 'Why aren't you opening yours?'

But God had a different plan with different timing.


It was a significant moment that needed a more intimate environment than that of riding in a van down the road.  It was a significant moment that needed to include our entire family.

Thus, as we conjugated before dinner, Joshua pulled out his valentine from Owen:

Owen and Josh  

Two names listed together in the innocent writing of a four year old.  

Good Brother.  

Nothing else written and nothing else needed. 

Written in a grace-filled, forgiving squibble.

But the image on the back was the clincher:

The heart of a four-year-old finding and cutting out someone working out because he knows his big brother lives for work-outs.
The Supernatural working out the kinks in a relationship with something super-hilarious.

Using the irresistible, unconditional work of a four-year-old, innocently loving someone who didn't deserve it...

melting the hard in the most creative of ways


Walls came down, laughter replaced bitterness and love covered a multitude of sins.

A mother's prayers answered...

                            ...a step forward...

And the Father whispered:

  Keep praying, keep praying, keep praying... 

Real Love

Our teaching pastors put this quote up during the sermon a couple of weeks ago:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

This was convicting to me. I want to be vulnerable so that I am more loving. Too often, I am fearful of being vulnerable because I do not want to experience rejection. I am like this with people who have knowingly or unknowingly hurt me with their words or actions in the past. It is a defense mechanism that wells up immediately, unfortunately. I do not want this to happen. It is just a habit that is now hard to break.

Sometimes I am not vulnerable because I am too prideful. I do not want to appear needy. Pride and fear--the two emotions that usually go hand in hand and keep us from experiencing Jesus and others fully. I pray daily that these two emotions would lessen in me and be replaced by a spirit of humility and faith.

Real love is messy. Real love experiences conflicts but does not sweep the conflict under the rug and ignore it. Real love talks things through and doesn't punish you if you don't see eye to eye. Real love is not surfacy--it is willing to go deep and discuss real issues of the heart. Real love chooses to love those that are different. Real love doesn't show favoritism. Real love pursues a relationship with you and makes you feel special. Real love encourages and spurs on. Real love shows up even when it is inconvenient. Real love chooses to forgive. Real love spends time with you just because. Real love doesn't hold grudges. Real love admits its weaknesses. Real love confronts but does so gently. Real love doesn't lie. If it sees sin, it calls it sin. Real love doesn't always feel good because there is pain in growth. If it 'feels happy and good' all the time, than it is not real love.

Real love always puts others before self. Real love doesn't boast in achievements or accomplishments. It is unconditional. Real love doesn't shrink back in fear. It is courageous. Real love is not stagnant or dull--it is changing, moving and growing--it is exciting.

Real love goes the distance. Real love transforms. Real love was experienced fully through the Cross. It was costly. It was painful. It was unselfish.


Real love is raw.
Real love is real.

Real love is vulnerable.

Real love is worth it.

GO MOM!!!

WOW! My husband and sweet family pulled off a huge one last night! I still can't believe it. Supposedly, Eric was taking me out to dinner to celebrate my training/fundraising for Worldvision for the marathon (which is Sunday). Eric's sister and family came over to babysit and we left for my favorite restaurant (Chang's). So, we get to the restaurant, get out of the car and Eric says, 'Oh man, I forgot a gift card my manager gave me; we're going to have to go back and get it.' Now, knowing we have an expensive weekend coming up, gift cards are of upmost importance right now, so I didn't think it strange that we would drive back to our house to get it. So we get back in the car to drive to our house. I did think it strange, however, that he was driving mighty slow (he NEVER drives slow). As I was beginning to think he was acting strange, we rounded the corner to our house and pull up in front to a multitude of friends and family, yelling, 'SURPRISE!!!!'

I was in complete shock. The first thought to go through my head, 'Oh no! My hair is a mess!' :) At first, I was overwhelmed and I only saw a crowd...then, my eyes began to focus in on faces...first I saw several of my sweet neighbors, then other precious faces came into view--old friends and new friends...

I got out of the car...they had a huge banner painted in orange, saying 'Run, Maria, Run!'. Then, my niece Piper yelled, 'give me a G' The crowd: G!'

Piper: give me a 'O'

Crowd: 'O!'

Piper: give me a 'M'

Crowd: 'M!'

Piper: give me a 'O'

Crowd: 'O!'

Piper: give me a 'M'

Crowd: 'M!'

As they yelled each letter, each of my children ran out with the letter on a bright orange shirt.

Piper: What's that spell?

Crowd: GO, MOM!!!!

Oh my goodness! I was speechless. I was floored. I was overwhelmed by feelings of love. Now, I didn't cry because I never cry in the moment (HATE this about myself, by the way! Wished I cried in the moment). It always spills out later, at the strangest time. Probably, today, while I'm going through a drive through or at the library, it will hit me and spill out all over the place and people will think I'm weird.

Anyway, back to the party! They had a big spread of food, a huge cake with orange letters saying 'Run, Maria, Run!', orange napkins, orange everything! (Worldvision's color is orange, by the way). People brought cards.... wow, it was so encouraging!!!!!! I have never felt more loved. I was just, well, overwhelmed. I felt like I was being enveloped in one, gigantic hug last night. (okay, so now I am crying). I don't even know how to thank all of these incredible people. What a pep rally! You will never know how this has spurred me on! I just feel ....tingly. (Tingly? Is that all you can say?) I know, I know, I just don't know what to say! As my mom would have said, 'I'm just flabbergasted and beside myself!' :) Okay, there--I am flabbergasted and beside myself! Seriously, my husband and sweet mother/father in law and sister/brother in law are just over the top! Eric scored some major points tonight :) !!!! I just love you guys so much! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel so loved today. and READY TO RUN!!!!!!

Pics of the 'instigators':

'And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching' Hebrews 10:24-25

I LOVE YOU GUYS---I am adding this verse to my scripture cards for Sunday! I will be praying thanksgiving over you guys as I run!

Other pics:

Sacrificial Love

During my bible study this morning, I was reminded of what love is from God's perspective.
God has called us to love even when:

• we don't want to
• we don't feel like it
• we get nothing obvious in return
• they don't deserve it
• they're not worth it
• they don't even know it
• it makes no difference

In contrast, the world entices us to love only when

• we want to
• we feel like it (this is getting too hard; I'll move on now)
• when we get something back (I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine)
• someone deserves our love (Look what they did to me--forget them!)
• if they are worthy of it
• they acknowledge it
• it seems to make a difference

Love from the world's perspective has one common denominator: me, me, me. It's all about me and what it does for me.

Love, from God's perspective is all about sacrifice and not about self. We have been called to live a sacrificial love. We may do this for years and even the rest of our lives and see no apparent fruit. We are to love by faith not by feeling. The reason we often have such a hard time doing it is because we draw on our own emotions' pitifully small resources. Romans 5:5 says: "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." One definition of this word 'heart' in the Greek is this: 'the soul or mind, as it is the fountain and seat of the thoughts, passions, desires, appetites, affections, purposes, endeavours'. Wow, to literally think of our hearts as fountains. What a word picture. What do fountains do? They pour out water. If we allow God to pour his love into us through daily prayer and bible study, our hearts can literally pour out--like a fountain--onto all of those around us.

I really needed to be reminded of this today. I think an index card is calling out for this verse, how about you? :)

BFF

Just thinking about my like-minded, spirit filled friend today.

So blessed to have a friend who:

• has a passion for God's Word


• I can talk to for hours and it just feels like a few minutes


• thinks the way I do


• cracks me up


• thinks I'm funny


• encourages me


• is about as unfake as they come


• accepts me just like I am


• speaks Truth in my life


• thinks the Office is as funny as i do

"Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." Proverbs 27:17

Iron sister, so glad to have shared the Beth Moore conference with you this past weekend--a memory to treasure forever. Love you friend!

PS -- And remember--STOP THE JOKE :)

My Journey Through Loss

The last three months we have been operating in 'survival mode'. Everything has been kind of a blur. We have just been literally getting through each day as it comes the very best we can. My life was forever changed on February 17, 2008. In my mind, whenever I am discussing something from the past, my mind mentally asks 'was that before or after Feb. 17?' Because that date forever changed me and how I view life. That was the day my mom breathed her last breath here on earth. That was the date that I understood the heartache of losing someone you love. That was the date that my heart ached and I wondered if it would ever stop. Up to that point in life, I had a more carefree, light hearted outlook on life. I knew others who had lost loved ones. I cried over tragedies and losses that others had and were experiencing. I thought I understood loss. But now I realize that I didn't understand it at all. Loss can only be understood by actually experiencing it. As Beth Moore would say, 'you can't learn about this in the classroom, you can only experience it by taking a field trip'. What a field trip I have been on since that dismal day in February. And it's a field trip I would never have chosen. I feel like I'm part of an exclusive club now--the club of people who have lost a parent. It is a club I don't want to be a member of, but that I have no control over. Now when I talk with a friend who has lost a parent, they immediately give me that look that says 'I totally know what you are going through'. And I know that they know and it is comforting. They are a part of the exclusive club too.


The few days leading up to my mom's funeral was uncharted waters for my siblings and me. We had to make decisions we had never had to make before. We had to walk through the 'casket' room at the funeral home and pick out a casket. I remember walking through this room feeling numb, like I was in a dream. Just two days prior I had been in Nashville celebrating my oldest son's birthday. And now I was picking out a casket. Decision after decision we had to make... What kind of casket? What color casket? What and who to include in the obituary? Do we have visitation? What time do we do visitation? When do we have the funeral? What kind of monument? Where in the cemetary? What do we have written on the monument? Before Feb. 17, my opinion on all of these decisions to make would have been: 'you know, none of these things really matter, the color of a casket, what a monument says, etc. etc.' That was before. That was before I became a member of 'the club'. Now, it became extremely important, our sole mission. We wanted every little detail to reflect who my mother had been to us and make her funeral, her last 'hoorah', a total celebration of her. I learned that all of these details matter a great deal to those who have lost someone they love.


I remember walking into my mom's house for the first time after she had died. Seeing her shoes sitting beside the chair she always sat in. Sitting by her chair was an unopened coke--her drink of choice. The shoes--that is what dug a knife into my stomach--seeing the shoes. I don't know why, but I could hardly stand seeing them sitting there.


I remember walking into the viewing room at the funeral home for the first time. That was another first that I would give anything to not have to experience.

I remember standing at the top of the hill in the cemetary with my siblings, discussing which plot to choose. I remember the bone chilling wind ripping through us, making us shiver uncontrollably--or maybe we were just shivering uncontrollably and the wind was helping it along.

I remember not feeling like nor being able to eat for two days straight.

The funeral was exactly everything she would have wanted it to be. There was 'Elvis' music playing softly in the background. There were pictures of all of her children and grandchildren everywhere, her pride and joy. Flowers filled and overflowed the room. My mom loved flowers--that would have made her happy. Reverend Shaw, whom my mom had always been fond of, did my mothers service. He quoted several scriptures, including Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

This verse is especially meaningful to me. It is the verse I chose to have read at our wedding. It is the exact verse my mother-in-law had quoted to me the day after my mom died. It was the verse the Reverend chose to read at my mom's funeral. I love how God does that. It is His way of showing He is present--His pep talk of encouragement when you're just about to call it quits.

Reverend Shaw also read 'Lord of the Dance' and quoted other scriptures regarding 'dancing', as my mother owned a dance studio and it was her sole passion aside from raising her five kids. All five of us children stood up and took turns reading a tribute we had written to our mom and a poem my brother had chosen. I remember reading over 'our tribute' earlier that morning, thinking that I wished it had some real examples of what life had been like growing up with my mom. But God had it all under control. To our surprise, a women who had babysat us for several years stood up and talked for five minutes about all of those funny, quirky things that captured life with our crazy brood. Again, it was amazing to me, how God made the funeral fit together like a glove. Reverend Shaw, who my mother had not been in contact with for several years, made the service represent exactly who my mom was. And then bringing in what we had to say along with our babysitter...well, all I can say is 'it was a God thing' through and through. Truly. There are moments in life when you feel God's presence so tangibly that you can almost touch Him. Her funeral was one of those moments. Strangely, and again, I know only God can do this, I felt joyful that day. The Bible says in Nehemiah 8:10: 'The joy of the Lord is my strength'. I can attest to that. He somehow brings you joy in the dimmest of circumstances.

That celebratory 'high' lasted only through that day...and then came some of the hardest weeks. I had to go home and do my life. I had to be a wife, take care of five kids, homeschool, take kids to practices, cook, clean...and when Eric traveled I had to do it all on my own. Everyone was counting on me and I didn't feel like being counted on. Those couple of weeks after the funeral were just ones of complete sadness. And I really questioned my faith in God. Why did He do this and why did He let it happen the way He had? I just literally felt like quitting; throwing in the towel on my faith. Why? Why? Why? So many questions. And no answers. Believe me. I really let God know how I felt! And I believe God wants us to do that. He knows how we are feeling anyway, so why not get brutally honest? He wants us to be brutally honest with Him so He can meet us right where we are. He, again, made himself so tangible to me right when I was about to say 'forget it'...He continued to whisper to me 'The joy of the Lord is your strength', over and over again. Moment by moment He got me through this time. It wasn't easy. It was messy. Let's just say I didn't win any parenting awards during this time! I guess you could say many things in my life had to take a backseat so that I could walk through this grief.

After these couple of weeks of intense sadness and faith questioning, my emotions turned a 180. I became mad--mad at just about everyone. Mad at my husband. Mad at my children. Mad at friends who didn't call me. Mad at friends who called me but didn't say the right things. Honestly, there were a few people I was so mad at that I wanted to punch them in the face (thankfully, I didn't :) ). This anger came out of nowhere and it surprised me. I mean, I know I can get mad, but not that mad! Once again, God guided me through it. He kept showing me over and over: the joy of the Lord is your strength...the joy of the Lord is your strength.

A month after my mom died, my brothers, sister and I began the process of going through and cleaning out her house...a process we are still going through. This has definitely been hard. But, surprisingly to me, it has also been therapeutic and some of the most memorable times with my siblings. My mom kept EVERYTHING. Every report card, every craft, every school project and paper. Now, I am not an advocate for keeping everything your children make, BUT I will have to say it has made me rethink my 'clutterless' mentality. I enjoyed finding the twenty seven poems I wrote in third grade. And the letter I wrote to Captain and Tenille in first grade which included a first grade picture taped to it...(obviously, my mom never sent it--so that's why they never wrote back:) ) Looking at old pictures, talking and laughing about memories with my brothers and sister was some of my most treasured time spent with them. I feel like it created a tighter bond between us all. We laughed and laughed at some of the things we came across. You know those things that only your family can laugh at because only they 'get it'...

I have experienced the Body of Christ in a way I have never experienced before. The outpour of love from people has been nothing short of supernatural. I have received hundreds of sympathy cards (at the beginning, these cards got me through the day), offers to watch my children, weeks of meals, house cleaning....and I have received sweet little momentos--a cross with a bible verse, a beautiful flower arrangement for my kitchen table, a tree to plant in memory of my mom, a bonsai plant along with several other plants, starbucks 'just because'... it has been incredible. A close friend told me that this is how God is tangibly pouring His love out on you--through the body of Christ. I sure have felt loved.

It is true, I am finding: time does heal. I am starting to feel a normalcy slip back into my life these days. The emptiness is still there but it is not as vast as it once was. Sometimes I feel its sting more than other times. My daughter's piano recital that I couldn't share with my mom. Ouch. When I ran in the mini--there was no one to call that would be proud of me. Ouch. My brother's wedding day. .. Mother's Day. Double, double ouch...When I am driving somewhere and I start to call her on the phone and then realize I can't...He continues to show me at new heights that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me...and apart from Him, I can do Nothing. I can honestly say that the Lord has been my All in All; He has carried me through every single part of this journey.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He ALONE is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken....Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge!" Psalm 62:1-2, 8

Tribute to my Mom

My mother passed away on Feb. 17, 2007 of this year. She was the picture of sacrifice. She never, ever did anything for herself. She sacrificed her personal time, her money, her whole life really, for us. She was one of the most giving persons I know. She raised five children all by herself and somehow kept her sanity--well, maybe partly kept her sanity :) . She always had time to talk on the phone, watch her grandkids, listen to our 'funny' stories. She had an off-the-wall sense of humor. She had a beautiful smile and fun laugh. She didn't have a materialistic bone in her body. Now, don't get me wrong. She wasn't perfect. There were times she made me mad. But one thing is for sure, she was ALWAYS there for us. And she loved us more than her own life. Over the past few months, I have learned so much from thinking back over her life. I have gotten a small human 'glimpse' of Jesus and his sacrifice for me in the sacrificial life my mom lived for my siblings and me. Jesus died for me so that I could live; my mom died to her own 'life' so that I could have the life I now have.

Mother's Day was really hard. I was on the verge of tears or in tears most of the day. The pain of her passing is still so very fresh. At first, right after she died, every day was hard. Then, it seemed like there were 'some' days out of the week that were hard. In recent weeks my 'hard days' have turned into 'hard moments'. Now I have 'moments' and I never ever know what is going to set off a 'moment'. Mother's Day was hard, yet because of Jeff and Reagan's wedding being the day before, it took the sting out of it just a little. It hit me today that God purposely planned for them to be married the day before Mother's Day. Because it is just another picture of how she wanted the focus on us and not on her. If their wedding hadn't been on Saturday, we would have all been sad and focused on our loss this weekend. Instead, we were able to all be together and celebrate the 'birth' of a marriage, a new addition to our family. The focus was on family, togetherness, memories, some tears, yet much laughter too. It was exactly the way she would have wanted it. Again, her sacrificial self lives on in this past weekend.

I guess the weekend was two-fold: God's gift of happiness in new 'beginnings' amidst our sorrow and the best Mother's Day present that my mom could ever have, even though she is not physically here to witness it: Her youngest son getting married!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM, FROM YOUR 'PARTY OF FIVE'!

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Congrats Jeff and Reagan!

My brother, Jeff, married Reagan on Saturday May 10, 2008. They couldn't have picked a more beautiful day; it was sunny yet high 60's/low 70's...no humidity...perfect!

Here is a recap of the day:

Reagan and all us bridesmaids met at 10:30 AM to get our hair done. It is always so much fun to have your hair done before a big event, and especially fun to do it with those you will be with!

BEAUTIFUL!!!

Sophie got her hair done, too.

The Wedding began at 3:30--boy, that time got her quickly! The service was absolutely beautiful, yet simple. Not frilly, yet elegant. It was perfect. It was so 'Reagan' and I loved it because of that. It was also extremely moving and emotional with my mother having died so recently. We all felt her absence. She would have loved everything about it. Partially because she was so happy and excited about them getting married and partially because Reagan and my mom are a lot alike and she would have loved the ceremony. I think that is what drew Jeff to Reagan from the beginning--that she is so similar to my mom in so many ways. While my mom wasn't their physically she was definitely there in spirit. Reagan's niece, Kylie, and Reagan and Jeff's daughter, Mindy, were flower girls. Shane, our nephew, was the ring bearer.

Maid of honor, Dana, and sweet Mindy Moo:(our family posing for a quick pic:)
Brian, my brother, was the best man and Amanda, Reagan's sister was the matron of honor. Both of them had very sweet, memorable yet also hysterically funny speeches at the reception!

People traveled near and far. We were blessed and surprised by these attendees:

Bobby drove up from Florida

Tracy flew in from Texas

Dad and Dee flew in from California.

Check out that white tux (Retro is back!)

After the 'food fight',
everyone cut a rug to popular hits such as 'Chicken Dance' , 'Rocky Top', 'YMCA'.

...and DJ 'Jim' kept things cooking :) !

It was a FUN, Fuquayish kind of night...

WELCOME, REAGAN, TO OUR WACKY, CRAZY FUQUAY FAMILY!!!

You're going to fit right in :)