In Honor of My Mom...A Day Late and a Dollar Short

Well, it's not surprising that this post is a day late.  Because my mom was kind of characterized by being late :) .  'A day late and a dollar short.' -- I don't know if my mom ever said this, but she probably did.  Because she was famous for busting out little quotes like this and then laughing herself silly at what she had just said.  And that quote fits her nicely, actually.  She didn't have a whole lot in the way of monetary things.  But in the end, none of that really matters, does it. 

It's who you lived it for that matters.

My mother passed away on Feb. 17, 2007.  She was the picture of sacrifice. She never, ever did anything for herself. She sacrificed her personal time, her money, her whole life really, for us. She was one of the most giving persons I know. She raised five children all by herself and somehow kept her sanity--well, maybe partly kept her sanity :) . She always had time to talk on the phone, watch her grandkids, listen to our 'funny' stories. She had an off-the-wall sense of humor. She had a beautiful smile and fun laugh. She didn't have a materialistic bone in her body. Now, don't get me wrong. She wasn't perfect. There were times she made me mad (really mad, if I'm going to be honest! :) )  But one thing is for sure, she was ALWAYS there for us. And she loved us more than her own life.  Since her death, I have learned so much from thinking back over her life. I have gotten a small human 'glimpse' of Jesus and his sacrifice for me in the sacrificial life my mom lived for my siblings and me. Jesus died for me so that I could live; my mom died to her own 'life' so that I could have the life I now have.

This year was the first year that I can really say that I enjoyed Mother's Day--that it was more joyful for me than it was sad.  One of time's healing aspects, I suppose.  Before this year, the void was just too big.  It brought with it a stream of raw emotions.  The void is definitely still there, but it is not as painful.  I can look back on those memories now and--just enjoy.  And look around me at my five dear children and--just enjoy.  Exactly what my mom would want me to do on a day designed to celebrate motherhood. 

Today...

Hello, I've been gone for awhile. Not for any 'one' particular reason, but a conglomerate of reasons--namely, Joshua, Soph, Wes, Jeremiah and Owen. Oh, and the hubs and homeschooling have had me busy, too. And let's not forget the snow. The snow has gotten us all a bit out of our routine. In a good way, though. Practices and events have been cancelled and we have gotten to hang out more at home--one of the very reasons I love snow days!

Anyway, today is a difficult day because it marks the anniversary of my mother's death two years ago. I have been anticipating it for a couple of weeks now. Each day that comes, I remember what I was doing on that day leading up to today two years ago. These days have been marred with discouraging thoughts. I have been having to keep my mind focused on God's promises and His truth while the enemy throws every discouraging thing he can think of at me. His tactics never change, do they? His main artillary is discouragement.

This day has snuck up on me. It just hit me last night that today was 'the day'...the snow had gotten my days off a bit. Because of that, I just feel kind of 'unfeeling' at the moment. Ever feel that way? When something hasn't completely hit you yet?

My Oswald devotional, though, was very fitting for this morning. And I know that I will be able to draw on it today and in the days to come when I have moments of sadness. It is centered around 1 Kings 19:5 which simply says 'Arise and eat.' In this passage, Elijah has been fleeing for his life. After being in the desert for a full day, he lays down under a tree and pleads to God to take his life. You see, Elijah has come to the end of his rope. The circumstances of his life have overtaken him. He is in an all out depression and he's ready to throw in the towel.

So, you'd think God would come to Elijah at this moment with some glorious vision or a pep talk of all pep talks from the angelical hosts, right? My sports-centered mind is envisioning the locker room scene in 'Hoosiers' or 'Facing the Giants'. I mean this guy needs some serious rallying right about now.

But God doesn't do that at all. He sends an angel who touches him and simply says, 'Arise and eat.'

Oswald goes on to say this:

'The angel in this passage did not give Elijah a vision, or explain the Scriptures to him, or do anything remarkable. He simply told Elijah to do a very ordinary thing, that is, to get up and eat. If we were never depressed, we would not be alive--only material things don't suffer depression. If human beings were not capable of depression, we would have no capacity for happiness and exaltation. There are things in life that are designed to depress us; for example, things that are associated with death. Whenever you examine yourself, always take into account your capacity for depression.

When the Spirit of God comes to us, He does not give us glorious visions, but He tells us to do the most ordinary things imaginable. Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God's creation. But whenever God steps in, His inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things--things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there. The inspiration that comes to us in this way is an initiative against depression. But when the Spirit of God leads us instinctively to do something, the moment we do it the depression is gone. As soon as we arise and obey, we enter a higher plane of life.'

There are two things that were affirming to me in this devotional. The first is the fact that it is okay to be depressed and sad. Did you hear that? IT IS OKAY TO BE SAD! It is a completely normal emotion! This is refreshing to me because sometimes people, in their humanness, make you feel like you are doing something wrong. That you are not being strong or something. Or that you are not being 'spiritual' enough; you know, rising above the pain. Also, I think it just makes people uncomfortable and they don't know how to respond. It's easier for them if you are not struggling with anything. The fact is, though, sometimes you are going to be depressed--it is just a part of the struggle of living in this world where we have to experience loss, pain and death. Yes, through God's supernatural, unexplained ways we can experience peace, strength and even joy amidst our sadness. But the sadness doesn't just go away--you have to go through it.

Secondly, I could relate to the simplicity of 'get up and eat.' Even when we are sad, discouraged or depressed, if we choose to continue to trudge through our mundane tasks, often we are able to shake off the sadness. God meets us in our day-in, day-out jobs and we are able to experience Him. He gets our focus off of our pain and onto our work.

Today, I will trudge through and I will in faith believe that God is going to meet me where I am and give me His peace and joy. Even if I have moments of sadness, that is okay. I am human.

A God Mother's Day

Yesterday began sadly. I was so sad about this day. Sad I didn't have a mom to call. Sad that I am one child short on this earth. Double sadness on Mother's Day. I was also sulky because we had just learned the night before that we were to serve in the infant's room at church that morning. I was feeling so sorry for myself. Why would God put me in the baby's room when I was so yearning to be in church on this particular morning? Sad. Sulky. Pouty. Not a good place to be. Our children had each given me their Mother's Day cards the day before. As I was feeling sorry for myself, God brought to mind something Wes had wrote on his card: 'Have a God Mother's Day'. He had meant to write 'good' but spelled it God. I felt God whispering to my spirit: 'I am here. Focus on me, not on your feelings or circumstances.'

We arrived at church. Still, I was in a pitiful state. Eric felt sorry for me and said if we had a light amount of infants I should go into church. I was hopeful. Surely, God wanted me in church this morning so he could minister to me. However, the other couple that was supposed to work with us--only the husband came because the wife had to stay home with their sick child. The other child care worker, which was a girl, was a no show. There has to be a woman in child care to change the diapers. It's a law, I think. As I realized this, I almost completely lost it. I went into the bathroom to compose myself. I felt forgotten by God. I felt unloved. I felt alone. Now, I KNEW in my heart that these things weren't true and it was just a church service, for crying out loud! What was wrong with me?! Pull it together, I shouted inside my head. There are wars being fought and people starving, for Pete's sake. Get a grip! As I was in the restroom I cried out to God: "Lord, forgive me for the state of my emotions. Forgive me that I am really letting this grief make me feel sorry for myself. I know I need to be thankful and count my blessings this morning. You have given me so much. But I feel forgotten by you. I know in my head this is not true, but in my heart I am believing something different". After praying, God again whispered: "Have a God Mother's Day".


I went back into the infant's room, resigned to the fact that the Lord had me working this morning for a reason and I needed to embrace it. Over the next ten minutes, a calmness came over me and I was able to carry on and even enjoy my time in the nursery.

The day went on. My emotions were all over the place--one minute I was feeling sorry for myself--the next I was 'okay'. Finally, that afternoon, Owen went down for a nap and Eric said to spend the next three hours doing whatever I wanted. I heard the fountain beside the Starbucks at the Summit calling my name. It was a beautiful day. So I left, planning on sitting outside by the fountain and finishing a book that I have been reading.

Right before getting there, I called a friend of mine to check on how she was doing (she lost both of her parents several years ago and Mother's Day is particularly hard for her). Right before hanging up, she said that she had been praying for me and Colossians 3:17 had come to her mind and she wanted to share it with me: 'Whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.'

Well, I got my coffee, set down and opened my book. I began reading and couldn't believe it when I saw Col. 3:17 jump off the page. The next several pages were devoted to this particlar verse and Thess. 5:18: "Give thanks in everything, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." The author, Jerry Rankin, was a missionary for several years in Indonesia. He told the story of how they lived five hours from any other missionary family and after two or three months would begin to feel isolated. So, every two or three months, they would plan a couple of days away to visit with the closest missionary friends for some refreshment. They always tried to leave early in the morning on these trips because if they didn't, it could take several hours due to traffic and be a miserably hot and dusty trip. One particular morning, they planned to leave early, but interruption after interruption occurred causing them to leave much later than anticipated. By this time, he was becoming more and more irritated and impatient but glad to finally be on their way. He goes on to say:

'We had to drive through town to get to the main highway, and right in the middle of town we had a flat tire. My patience had already worn pretty thin, and we had not even gotten out of town. I would have to change the tire, take time to get it repaired, and go home to clean up after getting dirty and greasy. The market was across the street from where I was changing the tire, and people began to gather around to watch. A big semicircle of people developed. No one offered to help and I could hear them laughing and joking, amused at the inconvenience of this foreigner who had a flat tire. I wasn't feeling a lot of love toward those people among whom God had called us to live and witness.

Just as i was putting the last lug bolts on, Russell, our son, who had been leaning out the front window of the car watching me, said, "Praise the Lord, we had a flat tire!" The last thing I felt like doing was praising the Lord. Whey did he say that? He was only four years old. We had developed a pattern in our family to praise the Lord in all things. When things go wrong, plans don't work out, one of the children falls and skins a knee, or a toy is broken, we just praise the Lord. Notice what happens when we praise the Lord. Instead of our focus being on the circumstances, it is redirected to the Lord. Once praise enables us to focus on the Lord, we are reminded that He is present with us....Praise restores us to a proper relationship with God and puts our circumstances in perspective.'

He also shared a story about another missionary in Indonesia:

'She said, "The best advice given to me before we came to Indonesia was be grateful and praise the Lord in all things. I have been discouraged recently as we have gone through challenging cultural adjustments; I have been struggling with doubts and have lost the joy I used to have. So the Lord impressed me this morning that I should write down some of the things that He impressed me to be thankful for.

• I praise the Lord for the courage God gave my husband as I practiced driving for the first time in Indonesia.
• I praise God for the days I feel worthless because I am reminded of God's strength during my weakness.
• I'm grateful for the strong stomach and bravery God gave me one day at my neighbor's house to eat meat with fur on it.
• I'm thankful for the lessons of servanthood I've learned from my household helper.
• I praise the Lord for the congested crowds of people, for they are a reminder of the multitiudes that live in darkness, and it keeps me on my knees.
• I praise the Lord for the times the Holy Spirit convicted me of my pride and my pitiful attitude and other sins that separated me from the Father so I could ask forgiveness and once again enjoy being in His holy presence.
• I'm grateful for the times our son has been sick so that I could teach him to pray for healing and trust God to meet his needs.
• I praise God for the struggle of knowing His will because through the struggle I listen more carefully and seek more diligently.
• I praise the Lord for the smog in Jakarta becuase I'm overwhelmed at the blessings and beauty of a bright blue sky on other days.
• I praise the lord for the sometimes gagging smells of the open sewage in front of our house because it's a reminder to me of how my sins and the sins of all of Indoniesia are such a stench to our lord.
• I'm grateful for my nosy neightbor and how she is a reminder that I must live the kind of life to which I testify.
• I'm grateful for the peace and confidence of my calling, even in times when my unbelieving father's words of disapproval and discouragement were hurtful.
• I praise God for the time I was ugly with my kids, and the Holy Spirit said, "out of the fullness of the heart speaks the mouth." And i was able to confess my anger and my ugliness to my children so that they could see me model humilty and forgiveness.
• And one thing I'm most grateful for is my husband, and how God has kept him strong when I was weak and kept me strong when he was weak, and how God has grown our love even during the struggle.

The Lord gently ministered to me through these testimonies. Those few hours of reading helped me see things from a different perspective--a God perspective. As I drove home yesterday afternoon, feeling renewed, refreshed and joyful, the Lord once again brought to my mind: 'Have a God Mother's Day.' Yes, yes--I could finally see it. My perspective had shifted. I was able to smile and thank the Lord for giving me such a day.

Monotony

Do you ever feel like you do the same old things day after day? For me, those things that fall in the monotonous category are: reloading and unloading the dishwasher, washing, folding and putting away the same old clothes, making dinner, cleaning up from dinner, changing diapers, wiping noses, helping with schoolwork...... Do you ever feel like what you are doing seems so small and unimportant? I know I can feel that way. Lately, God has been reminding me that these little things are just as important as the things we, in our human-ness, might consider 'bigger'. I have been reminded through things I've read or conversations I've had that God uses these small things to prepare us for bigger things. It is our training ground. It is where we are shaped and where we grow. The Lord wants us to have joy and a servant's heart while we pack lunchboxes and fold our husband's clothes. He wants us to have a spirit of gratitude while we clean toilets. Ultimately, doing these small things 'well' can collectively result in a large thing. For example, pouring into our child's life daily--in all little matters and details--can result in our child growing into the person that God can use mightily for His glory).


As I do these menial tasks, I am reminded that life is a marathon not a sprint. It's one foot in front of the other. It's bit by bit. It's small steps. I am reminded to do the small things well. It all counts and it all matters. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it ALL to the glory of God." 1 Cor. 10:31

• O restless heart--beating against the prison bars of your circumstances and longing for a wider realm of usefulness--allow God to direct all your days. Patience and trust, even in the midst of the monotony of your daily routine, will be the best preparation to courageously handle the stress and strain of a greater opportunity, which God may someday send. --Streams of the Desert


• "Champions are champions not because they do anything extraordinary but because they do the ordinary things better than anyone else."--Chuck Noll--

Yesterday

Yesterday was a hard day. It was the 17th, the day my mom passed away exactly seven months ago. Actually, the past month has been hard. Last month in August, the 17th fell on our second day of vacation in Florida. That was exactly six months from my mom's passing. That was extremely significant to me because the year before my mom went with us to Florida to the exact same house that we stayed in again this year. We arrived there on August 7, 2007, Eric and I and our kids and my mom. This was exactly six months before the day that she would pass away (February 17, 2008). My mom LOVED the beach...I am thankful that the Lord worked out that she would get to go one more time and that it would be with us. It has been hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that she went with us exactly six months to the day that she would breath her last breath...and that we went back exactly six months later.

My birthday was last month, on the 22nd, on the last day of vacation. I didn't know my birthday would be so hard this year. Is it because your birthday is forever tied to your mother, the person who birthed you into life? Is that why it brings back waves of sadness and grief? Is it because only a mom goes the extra mile to make you feel extra special on this day? I don't know. Grief is a strange thing...it just comes in spurts here and there sometimes and then other times it settles down upon you like a blanket being thrown onto a bed. It is hard because I feel like I am dwelling in a 'woe is me' place and I don't want to be doing that! I feel like the Lord said to me this morning, 'you are not dwelling, you are grieving.' I suppose this is true, but it still just feels like self pity.... I suppose the difference between the two is what you do with it. Self pity would be sitting and focusing on yourself and grief would be taking those feelings and continually offering them up to the Lord, asking Him to fill you and be your all in all through it. This is what I want to do. This is what I am trying to do. But, I won't lie--I don't always choose this. A friend told me that you just have to walk through the grief--there is no getting around it. Another friend said that you never know what will set it off; you'll be going along just fine and then it just seems to show up. I have found both of these things to be so true. And man, has it shown up this month! I just keep saying outloud over and over 'The joy of the Lord is my strength, fill me with your joy and strength! Replace this ache in my heart with You.' I know He will come through...He always does.

My Journey Through Loss

The last three months we have been operating in 'survival mode'. Everything has been kind of a blur. We have just been literally getting through each day as it comes the very best we can. My life was forever changed on February 17, 2008. In my mind, whenever I am discussing something from the past, my mind mentally asks 'was that before or after Feb. 17?' Because that date forever changed me and how I view life. That was the day my mom breathed her last breath here on earth. That was the date that I understood the heartache of losing someone you love. That was the date that my heart ached and I wondered if it would ever stop. Up to that point in life, I had a more carefree, light hearted outlook on life. I knew others who had lost loved ones. I cried over tragedies and losses that others had and were experiencing. I thought I understood loss. But now I realize that I didn't understand it at all. Loss can only be understood by actually experiencing it. As Beth Moore would say, 'you can't learn about this in the classroom, you can only experience it by taking a field trip'. What a field trip I have been on since that dismal day in February. And it's a field trip I would never have chosen. I feel like I'm part of an exclusive club now--the club of people who have lost a parent. It is a club I don't want to be a member of, but that I have no control over. Now when I talk with a friend who has lost a parent, they immediately give me that look that says 'I totally know what you are going through'. And I know that they know and it is comforting. They are a part of the exclusive club too.


The few days leading up to my mom's funeral was uncharted waters for my siblings and me. We had to make decisions we had never had to make before. We had to walk through the 'casket' room at the funeral home and pick out a casket. I remember walking through this room feeling numb, like I was in a dream. Just two days prior I had been in Nashville celebrating my oldest son's birthday. And now I was picking out a casket. Decision after decision we had to make... What kind of casket? What color casket? What and who to include in the obituary? Do we have visitation? What time do we do visitation? When do we have the funeral? What kind of monument? Where in the cemetary? What do we have written on the monument? Before Feb. 17, my opinion on all of these decisions to make would have been: 'you know, none of these things really matter, the color of a casket, what a monument says, etc. etc.' That was before. That was before I became a member of 'the club'. Now, it became extremely important, our sole mission. We wanted every little detail to reflect who my mother had been to us and make her funeral, her last 'hoorah', a total celebration of her. I learned that all of these details matter a great deal to those who have lost someone they love.


I remember walking into my mom's house for the first time after she had died. Seeing her shoes sitting beside the chair she always sat in. Sitting by her chair was an unopened coke--her drink of choice. The shoes--that is what dug a knife into my stomach--seeing the shoes. I don't know why, but I could hardly stand seeing them sitting there.


I remember walking into the viewing room at the funeral home for the first time. That was another first that I would give anything to not have to experience.

I remember standing at the top of the hill in the cemetary with my siblings, discussing which plot to choose. I remember the bone chilling wind ripping through us, making us shiver uncontrollably--or maybe we were just shivering uncontrollably and the wind was helping it along.

I remember not feeling like nor being able to eat for two days straight.

The funeral was exactly everything she would have wanted it to be. There was 'Elvis' music playing softly in the background. There were pictures of all of her children and grandchildren everywhere, her pride and joy. Flowers filled and overflowed the room. My mom loved flowers--that would have made her happy. Reverend Shaw, whom my mom had always been fond of, did my mothers service. He quoted several scriptures, including Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

This verse is especially meaningful to me. It is the verse I chose to have read at our wedding. It is the exact verse my mother-in-law had quoted to me the day after my mom died. It was the verse the Reverend chose to read at my mom's funeral. I love how God does that. It is His way of showing He is present--His pep talk of encouragement when you're just about to call it quits.

Reverend Shaw also read 'Lord of the Dance' and quoted other scriptures regarding 'dancing', as my mother owned a dance studio and it was her sole passion aside from raising her five kids. All five of us children stood up and took turns reading a tribute we had written to our mom and a poem my brother had chosen. I remember reading over 'our tribute' earlier that morning, thinking that I wished it had some real examples of what life had been like growing up with my mom. But God had it all under control. To our surprise, a women who had babysat us for several years stood up and talked for five minutes about all of those funny, quirky things that captured life with our crazy brood. Again, it was amazing to me, how God made the funeral fit together like a glove. Reverend Shaw, who my mother had not been in contact with for several years, made the service represent exactly who my mom was. And then bringing in what we had to say along with our babysitter...well, all I can say is 'it was a God thing' through and through. Truly. There are moments in life when you feel God's presence so tangibly that you can almost touch Him. Her funeral was one of those moments. Strangely, and again, I know only God can do this, I felt joyful that day. The Bible says in Nehemiah 8:10: 'The joy of the Lord is my strength'. I can attest to that. He somehow brings you joy in the dimmest of circumstances.

That celebratory 'high' lasted only through that day...and then came some of the hardest weeks. I had to go home and do my life. I had to be a wife, take care of five kids, homeschool, take kids to practices, cook, clean...and when Eric traveled I had to do it all on my own. Everyone was counting on me and I didn't feel like being counted on. Those couple of weeks after the funeral were just ones of complete sadness. And I really questioned my faith in God. Why did He do this and why did He let it happen the way He had? I just literally felt like quitting; throwing in the towel on my faith. Why? Why? Why? So many questions. And no answers. Believe me. I really let God know how I felt! And I believe God wants us to do that. He knows how we are feeling anyway, so why not get brutally honest? He wants us to be brutally honest with Him so He can meet us right where we are. He, again, made himself so tangible to me right when I was about to say 'forget it'...He continued to whisper to me 'The joy of the Lord is your strength', over and over again. Moment by moment He got me through this time. It wasn't easy. It was messy. Let's just say I didn't win any parenting awards during this time! I guess you could say many things in my life had to take a backseat so that I could walk through this grief.

After these couple of weeks of intense sadness and faith questioning, my emotions turned a 180. I became mad--mad at just about everyone. Mad at my husband. Mad at my children. Mad at friends who didn't call me. Mad at friends who called me but didn't say the right things. Honestly, there were a few people I was so mad at that I wanted to punch them in the face (thankfully, I didn't :) ). This anger came out of nowhere and it surprised me. I mean, I know I can get mad, but not that mad! Once again, God guided me through it. He kept showing me over and over: the joy of the Lord is your strength...the joy of the Lord is your strength.

A month after my mom died, my brothers, sister and I began the process of going through and cleaning out her house...a process we are still going through. This has definitely been hard. But, surprisingly to me, it has also been therapeutic and some of the most memorable times with my siblings. My mom kept EVERYTHING. Every report card, every craft, every school project and paper. Now, I am not an advocate for keeping everything your children make, BUT I will have to say it has made me rethink my 'clutterless' mentality. I enjoyed finding the twenty seven poems I wrote in third grade. And the letter I wrote to Captain and Tenille in first grade which included a first grade picture taped to it...(obviously, my mom never sent it--so that's why they never wrote back:) ) Looking at old pictures, talking and laughing about memories with my brothers and sister was some of my most treasured time spent with them. I feel like it created a tighter bond between us all. We laughed and laughed at some of the things we came across. You know those things that only your family can laugh at because only they 'get it'...

I have experienced the Body of Christ in a way I have never experienced before. The outpour of love from people has been nothing short of supernatural. I have received hundreds of sympathy cards (at the beginning, these cards got me through the day), offers to watch my children, weeks of meals, house cleaning....and I have received sweet little momentos--a cross with a bible verse, a beautiful flower arrangement for my kitchen table, a tree to plant in memory of my mom, a bonsai plant along with several other plants, starbucks 'just because'... it has been incredible. A close friend told me that this is how God is tangibly pouring His love out on you--through the body of Christ. I sure have felt loved.

It is true, I am finding: time does heal. I am starting to feel a normalcy slip back into my life these days. The emptiness is still there but it is not as vast as it once was. Sometimes I feel its sting more than other times. My daughter's piano recital that I couldn't share with my mom. Ouch. When I ran in the mini--there was no one to call that would be proud of me. Ouch. My brother's wedding day. .. Mother's Day. Double, double ouch...When I am driving somewhere and I start to call her on the phone and then realize I can't...He continues to show me at new heights that I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me...and apart from Him, I can do Nothing. I can honestly say that the Lord has been my All in All; He has carried me through every single part of this journey.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He ALONE is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken....Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge!" Psalm 62:1-2, 8

Tribute to my Mom

My mother passed away on Feb. 17, 2007 of this year. She was the picture of sacrifice. She never, ever did anything for herself. She sacrificed her personal time, her money, her whole life really, for us. She was one of the most giving persons I know. She raised five children all by herself and somehow kept her sanity--well, maybe partly kept her sanity :) . She always had time to talk on the phone, watch her grandkids, listen to our 'funny' stories. She had an off-the-wall sense of humor. She had a beautiful smile and fun laugh. She didn't have a materialistic bone in her body. Now, don't get me wrong. She wasn't perfect. There were times she made me mad. But one thing is for sure, she was ALWAYS there for us. And she loved us more than her own life. Over the past few months, I have learned so much from thinking back over her life. I have gotten a small human 'glimpse' of Jesus and his sacrifice for me in the sacrificial life my mom lived for my siblings and me. Jesus died for me so that I could live; my mom died to her own 'life' so that I could have the life I now have.

Mother's Day was really hard. I was on the verge of tears or in tears most of the day. The pain of her passing is still so very fresh. At first, right after she died, every day was hard. Then, it seemed like there were 'some' days out of the week that were hard. In recent weeks my 'hard days' have turned into 'hard moments'. Now I have 'moments' and I never ever know what is going to set off a 'moment'. Mother's Day was hard, yet because of Jeff and Reagan's wedding being the day before, it took the sting out of it just a little. It hit me today that God purposely planned for them to be married the day before Mother's Day. Because it is just another picture of how she wanted the focus on us and not on her. If their wedding hadn't been on Saturday, we would have all been sad and focused on our loss this weekend. Instead, we were able to all be together and celebrate the 'birth' of a marriage, a new addition to our family. The focus was on family, togetherness, memories, some tears, yet much laughter too. It was exactly the way she would have wanted it. Again, her sacrificial self lives on in this past weekend.

I guess the weekend was two-fold: God's gift of happiness in new 'beginnings' amidst our sorrow and the best Mother's Day present that my mom could ever have, even though she is not physically here to witness it: Her youngest son getting married!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM, FROM YOUR 'PARTY OF FIVE'!

WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!