Thursday, September 18, 2008

Yesterday

Yesterday was a hard day. It was the 17th, the day my mom passed away exactly seven months ago. Actually, the past month has been hard. Last month in August, the 17th fell on our second day of vacation in Florida. That was exactly six months from my mom's passing. That was extremely significant to me because the year before my mom went with us to Florida to the exact same house that we stayed in again this year. We arrived there on August 7, 2007, Eric and I and our kids and my mom. This was exactly six months before the day that she would pass away (February 17, 2008). My mom LOVED the beach...I am thankful that the Lord worked out that she would get to go one more time and that it would be with us. It has been hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that she went with us exactly six months to the day that she would breath her last breath...and that we went back exactly six months later.

My birthday was last month, on the 22nd, on the last day of vacation. I didn't know my birthday would be so hard this year. Is it because your birthday is forever tied to your mother, the person who birthed you into life? Is that why it brings back waves of sadness and grief? Is it because only a mom goes the extra mile to make you feel extra special on this day? I don't know. Grief is a strange thing...it just comes in spurts here and there sometimes and then other times it settles down upon you like a blanket being thrown onto a bed. It is hard because I feel like I am dwelling in a 'woe is me' place and I don't want to be doing that! I feel like the Lord said to me this morning, 'you are not dwelling, you are grieving.' I suppose this is true, but it still just feels like self pity.... I suppose the difference between the two is what you do with it. Self pity would be sitting and focusing on yourself and grief would be taking those feelings and continually offering them up to the Lord, asking Him to fill you and be your all in all through it. This is what I want to do. This is what I am trying to do. But, I won't lie--I don't always choose this. A friend told me that you just have to walk through the grief--there is no getting around it. Another friend said that you never know what will set it off; you'll be going along just fine and then it just seems to show up. I have found both of these things to be so true. And man, has it shown up this month! I just keep saying outloud over and over 'The joy of the Lord is my strength, fill me with your joy and strength! Replace this ache in my heart with You.' I know He will come through...He always does.

3 comments:

Smelling Coffee said...

Maria~ My dad died almost 12 years ago, and I well remember those first few years of grief when we would say, "___ weeks/months ago today, daddy died." Someone told us that time doesn't make the pain go away, but it makes the memories sweeter. I can say that we've found that to be true.

I still miss my dad, and at the strangest times I'll start crying about him, but I don't count the months anymore. Just the years. It seems that you are working through your grief in a very right and normal way - day by day, in the hand of the Lord.

I pray that the Lord will continue to bless you with His presence and comfort you as you miss your mom.

Jennifer (Christy's friend)

Gods Girl Pearl said...

Maria~ My heart is hurting so much for you right now. I am so sorry. I thought about you so much when I was at the hospital with my dad. I can not imagine what you are going through because I haven't been there yet, but I know that it is not to far away and my time is coming. So I am praying for you that you will feel the Lord's presence so strong in your life and that you will know that he is carrying you through this. I love ya sister!

Maria said...

Jennifer, thank you for your prayers and for the encouragement--it helped so, so much! It helps to know that the things I am feeling are normal!

Christy, thank you for your prayers and encouragement too--thanks for always being there! I'll call you today--we are driving to Indiana and will be there for the weekend. Love you!