Remembering

I opened my eyes this morning and remembered--the anniversary of my mom's death.  As I went through my Bible study, I remembered.  Helping my ten-year-old work a long division problem--I remembered--and it brought tears afresh.  My daughter hugging me as she remembered this day without needing to be told, tears again.  A text from a friend, an email, a facebook message brought still more remembrance and more tears.  Remembering is difficult and hard and yet at the same time so very necessary.

This morning, having difficulty concentrating on reading, I decided to watch a video from my Bible study that I had missed from an earlier week.  Ironic, but of no surprise to God, the premise of this video hinged on James 1:2:  

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.

Pure joy during trials...what???  That sounds like an oxymoron.

But it's anything but.


You see, that word, joy had a whole lot to do with getting me through the death of my mom.  It welled up deep inside of me from a supernatural source and kept me going during those fresh, raw days. It came from the Lord and it was my strength.  It was not of me.  I alone couldn't have produced that kind of emotion that was full of  peace and hope.  And lest you get the wrong picture, it wasn't a rosy 'all is well', yippee kind of joy.  No, it was this ever present, strong cord in the back ground of my being, giving me the ability to keep on, keeping on.  And it had the strange ability to co-exist with the anguish of loss.  The 1828 Webster's Dictionary defines anguish as:

Extreme pain, either of body or mind.  As bodily pain, it may differ from agony, which is such distress of the whole body as to cause contortion, whereas anguish may be a local pain as of an ulcer, or gout.  But anguish and agony are nearly synonymous.  As pain of the mind, it signifies any keen distress from sorrow, remorse, despair and kindred passions.

Amazing how you can be experiencing a terrible tragedy, yet in the midst of it God can shower you with His joy. It's contradiction with a capital C. And it's definitely not natural--no, it's supernatural...and nothing short of a miracle.

Remembering today...the memories--some hard, some sweet, some full of regret, some not--and I am thankful.  Thankful for the gift of remembering.  Thankful for the gift of a God that cares enough to carry me through life's heartaches...a God that is so personal and loving that He will show up in a Bible study video with just the right message at just the right time.  Lovingly reminding my easily-drifting mind that He too, remembers.